Why You’re Always On Edge — And How to Strengthen Your Soothing System

A cozy, softly lit space with warm textures, inviting calm and relaxation — representing the soothing system and a safe place to rest.

A simple guide to understanding your brain’s built-in stress systems — and how to gently come back to yourself

Do you ever feel like you're stuck on high alert?

Maybe your mind won't stop racing. Your body feels tight. You can’t relax, even when nothing’s wrong.

Or maybe you just can’t stop doing — staying busy, crossing things off the list, avoiding stillness because it feels… uncomfortable.

You’re not broken. You’re not lazy. And you’re definitely not alone.

This is your brain trying to protect you the best way it knows how.

Psychologist Dr. Paul Gilbert offers a helpful way to understand what’s going on: he describes three regulation systems in the brain — built-in networks that help us survive, thrive, and connect. But when these systems get out of balance (especially in grief, trauma, or burnout), we can feel anxious, stuck, or exhausted.

Let’s break it down.

🚨 Your Threat System: The Inner Smoke Alarm

This is the system that says: “Watch out!”

Your Threat System is always scanning for danger. It’s fast, reactive, and designed to keep you safe.

When it senses threat — whether physical (a loud noise), emotional (conflict), or internal (a critical thought) — it kicks into high gear: fight, flight, or freeze.

Think of it like a smoke alarm. It doesn't ask if it's a real fire or just burnt toast — it goes off just in case.

What it might feel like:

Tight chest, racing thoughts
Trouble sleeping
Feeling panicky, snappy, or shut down
Thoughts like “I can’t handle this” or “I’m not safe.”

This system isn’t the enemy. It’s trying to protect you. But for many of us — especially after trauma or loss — the alarm is stuck in the “on” position, leaving us constantly on edge.

⚡️ Your Drive System: The Do-Do-Do Engine

This is the system that says: “Go, achieve, do more.”

Your Drive System gives you the energy to get things done. It’s the part of you that chases goals, solves problems, and checks things off your to-do list.

It’s what helps us work hard, plan a vacation, or clean the house when we’re stressed.

In my practice, I often hear people say:

“If I just stay busy, I won’t fall apart.”

That’s the Doer part. It helps us avoid pain by staying in motion.

But here’s the trap: When we’re stuck in Drive mode, we can burn out. And stillness starts to feel unsafe.

What it might feel like:

Can’t sit still or stop thinking about what’s next
Overworking, overdoing, overgiving
Feeling like rest = laziness
Avoiding emotions by staying busy

Drive helps us succeed — but it can’t regulate us. We need something else for that.

🕊 Your Soothing System: The Anchor in the Storm

This is the system that says: “You’re safe. You can rest now.”

Your Soothing System brings feelings of calm, connection, and safety. It helps regulate your heart rate, slow your breathing, and ground you in the present moment.

It’s the part of you that knows how to pause, to self-soothe, to feel safe, secure, and connected.

This system doesn’t just live in your body — it lives in your relationships, too.

We build our soothing system through what’s called the Safe Alliance — the people, places, and connections that help us feel anchored. That might be:

A trusted friend who listens without fixing
A room in your home that feels warm and quiet
A pet who curls up next to you
A therapist who gently holds space for your pain
A memory of being held, seen, or understood

This system reminds us that I am not alone. I don’t have to do it all. I am safe to feel.

🌱 Strengthening the Soothing System

This is a practice — and it grows over time

Many people find this the hardest system to activate, especially if:

You’ve experienced trauma or chronic stress
You’ve learned to equate rest with laziness
You feel safer when you’re “doing” than when you’re feeling

But your Soothing System is like a muscle — and with practice, it strengthens. Here are some ways to start:

🌀 Try Grounding Breaths

Instead of “deep breathing,” try:

A long, audible sigh out through the mouth
Breathing in through the nose and letting the exhale be longer than the inhale
Whispering “shhhhh” or “mmmm” as you breathe out (your vagus nerve loves this)

These gentle outbreaths signal to your nervous system; that you’re okay.

🏡 Find or Build Your Safe Place

Close your eyes and picture a space — real or imagined — where you feel completely safe and at ease.

Is it a cabin, a garden, the beach, a favourite chair, a childhood memory?

Engage your senses:

What does it smell like?
What do you see around you?
What’s the temperature?
Can you hear anything?
What’s the texture of what you’re sitting or lying on?

This isn’t escapism — it’s nervous system regulation.

🤝 Lean Into Your Safe Alliance

Think about who (or what) helps you feel:

Calmer
Softer
More grounded
Like yourself again

Your Safe Alliance might be a person, a place, a pet, or even a memory.

When you can’t find soothing from within, sometimes it helps to borrow it from the outside.

📝 Want to Explore This More Deeply?

I’ve created custom worksheets and tools to help you explore:

Your unique balance of Threat, Drive, and Soothing
Your Safe Alliance — who and what helps you feel secure
Grounding tools that support your nervous system
Breath and visualization practices you can build into daily life

These are available to all clients and will soon be accessible through my resource library as well.

🪞Try Reflecting On This

Take a moment to check in with yourself:

Which system feels most active in me lately — Threat, Drive, or Soothing?
What does being “on edge” feel like in my body?
When do I feel most calm, grounded, or safe?
Who or what helps me regulate — and how can I let them in more often?

You’re Not Lazy. You’re Wired to Survive.

But you also deserve to feel calm, connected and cared for.

At Inner Sojourn, I work with people who feel stuck in overwhelm — whether it’s grief, trauma, burnout, or just life being too much. Together, we explore your unique regulation patterns, reconnect you with safety, and create a space where healing can happen gently, at your pace.

You don’t have to stay on edge forever.

Let’s help your nervous system remember how to rest.

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🔗 Want to learn more about calming your system and working with grief or trauma? Visit www.innersojourn.net to book a session or explore free resources.